All about my insecurities

 Just like any other human being out there, I have my fair share of insecurities but sometimes I feel like these issues I'm insecure about overpower and overwhelm me about a lot of areas in my life. They prevent me from doing things - from making decisions, from befriending certain people, from being normal. 

I hate it how I'm insecure about some of the most trivial things in life. Things other people can easily do and they don't even have to think twice about while I could spend my entire life overthinking over it. I constantly judge myself - so much to such an extent that I'm pretty sure all of the people in my life that have met me, haven't judged me half as much as I judge myself. 

I get jealous extremely easily. It's one of my biggest flaws. I wish I wasn't this way. I try really, really hard to keep a control over my flashes of envy but it's nearly impossible. The smallest thing can set me off. I'm a green eyed monster hiding behind sheep's clothing. If any of the people that know me realised just how jealous I can get, they would chuck me away instantly.

Friends' don't get jealous of other friends'. 

That's something you learn in friendship 101. It's something you're supposed to know you're not supposed to do. But I still keep on behaving that way. I have realised the cause of my jealousy is obviously rooted in my own insecurities. 

These insecurities of mine will be the death of me. They'll kill me one day. My own mind is a hell hole nobody should enter. I criticise and judge myself so badly - in a way, no one would ever even judge anybody else, let alone their own selves. 

I get upset over little things and overthink so much. I'm stressed and worried and anxious 24/7 but I never let it show. I play it all like I'm kind of chilled out and even if people can see through my facade they only see very few parts of how much of a over-thinker I really am. And then they just laugh it off, thinking I'm being amusing.

But I'm not. I genuinely worry that everybody hates it. I honestly hate almost everyone I know. I'm weird and I'm always terrified that people are going to laugh at me and the way I behave, the way I look, the way I act. Maybe that's why, school - a place packed with a bunch of hormonal, judgemental teens - is the last place I would ever want to be!

I constantly look for validation and acceptance from my peers. I like fitting in, even though I know I don't actually fit in. I like it when things seem fine on the surface, even though I'm going pretty much out of control on the inside. 

I'm so scared. I don't want to keep living like this. I too want to be confident and brave and do all the things I want to do in life. I don't want a bunch of dumb insecurities holding me back from being the best version of me that is possible! 

Everything is just so hard.