Trusting people and Opening up

If you see me, you might think I'm a very open person who shares generally most of what goes through her mind - but in reality, I'm the complete opposite of that. Most of my acquaintances feel that they have got me pegged down instantly, but they don't even know half of exactly who I'm and what encompasses the definition of 'me'. 

I share a lot of what I think and feel at certain moments in time, but even when I share such snippets they aren't the complete truth. I alter and edit them - till they sound good enough, till they project a certain image of me. If I want to make myself sound dramatic, I'll edit my feelings! This just makes me feel - a lot of times - like I just don't how I really feel. 

It all sounds very confusing. 

But the truth is I have trust issues. I hate opening up to people. I don't want anyone to know the 'real' me. Maybe because I myself don't know who that is. I keep secrets - so many secrets, piles and piles of them which I don't share even with the people closest to me. I can't. 

I'm trying to open up more this year. I want to be more honest about who I'm. I don't want to hide behind this facade - a plastic mask that will eventually melt. Sometimes, when I'm hurt - I vow to myself that I don't care about anyone or anything that's toxic to my mental sanctity and then I rant about the stuff that has hurt me, eventually acting as though I've put those things behind me - but in reality, I hold grudges for as long as I can. Even if it's forever. 

I act like all I care about is revenge and that I'm a bit emotionless and uncaring and vengeful and arrogant and mean - but that is not me. I can also be very kind and genuine and caring, but I hide away all those emotions because I don't want to come across as a doormat. I don't want people to use me. But the thing is, despite all my masks and facades and lies - people still use me. People will always use you. That's just human nature.

And that is what I'm most afraid of. I will not be used. I fear opening up to people shall make me more vulnerable to being hurt. Because people always leave. And you can never stop it, it's a process of growing up. But it's better for people to leave than for them to leave taking all your secrets in tow! 

Taking a piece of you and leaving. 

But I have decided now that life is for living and what is living if you aren't a little hurt - bruised and scarred - in the end. I might as well open up when people are reaching out to me than when nobody gives a shit about what I'm doing or how I'm feeling!